"Minerva, the hat's on the fritz again," Professor Dumbledore said to his deputy.
With a frowned expression, Professor McGonagall began adjusting the tip of the hat, trying to get in better reception, or at least different reception.
So never judge a book by its cover
Or who you gonna love by your lover
Love put me wise to her love in disguise
She had the body of Venus
Lord imagine my surprise
Dude looks like a lady
Dude looks like a lady
Dude looks like a lady
Dude looks like a lady
"Minerva!"
"Don't get your knickers in a bunch, Albus. I'm working as fast as I can." The tip of the hat twisted back and forth, to the right, then the left, down then up.
Baby let me follow you down
Let me take peek dear
Baby let me follow you down
Do…
… and Rogers has stolen the quaffle from
Hamburg who you folks will be glad
to know will be all right once all the
bones in his hand are reset and…
What a funky lady
She like it like it like it like that
He was a lady
The hat quieted down, shook its head and said, "Pardon me. Let's try this again, shall we?"
"Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,
But don't judge on what you see,
I'll myself if you can find,
A smarter hat then me,
You can keep your bowlers black,
Your top hats sleek and tall,
For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat,
And I can cap them all,
There's nothing hidden in your head,
The Sorting Hat can't see,
So try me on and I will tell you,
Where you ought to be,
You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their darling, nerve, and chivalry,
Set Gryffindors apart;
You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuff are true,
And unafraid of toil;
Dude looks like a lady!
Dude looks like a lady!
Dude looks like a lady!
"Minerva!" Albus admonished.
"Don't you start. You're the one who won't pay for a service call on this bloody cap." She went back to twisting it around.
Dude looks like a…
… Vennick dives for the snitch and a bludgers is on an
intersecting vector… ooh, ouch, that's got to hurt, folks!
Vennick has taken a shot in the…
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you're a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind,
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk will use any means,
To achieve their ends,
So put me on! Don't be afraid!
And don't get in a flap!
You're in safe hands,
For I'm a Thinking Cap"
A spattering of applause came as the hat quieted down. A few grumbles could be heard saying they'd wished they could have heard the outcome of the Quidditch game. With a slight shake of her head to get rid of any lingering annoyance, Professor McGonagall began calling out names. Names that Harry recognized went to the houses he remembered them going to the first time around. As he watched student after student go the chair, he kept his peripheral vision on the most dangerous man currently at the head table. Quirrell was doing his best to look both interested and intimidated by the sorting.
"Abbot, Hannah!"
Hufflepuff!"
Now that Harry knew what sort of half-man he was, it was easy to spot the deception he was going for. Act all cowardly and no one would suspect you of trying to kill someone on a broom. No one would think twice if you were to run into a crowded room and yell "troll!" after which you then fell down and fainted. But best of all, no one would think you had the specter of Voldemort sticking out of the back of your head.
Harry knew he had a role to play in this somehow. He wasn't TBWL (thank God!) here and that meant he wasn't prophesized to take him down. But that didn't mean he would sit by and let anything happen to his friends. He wasn't about to let Hermione get petrified next year. If he had his way, he wasn't going to let her be hurt at all. Harry knew he had the best chances of stopping anything before it got out of control. He just didn't know when to put his foot forward to and stop the evil maniac but not to the point where it impacted on future events. Reality needed to play its game out. Things had to happen. He couldn't just rush up to Dumbledore and tell him Quirrell was Voldy in disguise - while the old coot might actually believe him, the specter might decide to take up residence in someone else and still try for the stone. Harry would be better off protecting the stone, or destroying it in front of Quirrell/Voldemort.
But all of this paled in comparison to what he really wanted to do. Go to school without making too big of a fuss for himself and thereby get Dumbledore's attention on him. If he did that, who knows what Dumbledore would do to manipulate him into a fighter for the good in all mankind type.
Harry had a plan, more of a rough sketch really, of what he wanted to do during his seven years there. And none of it involved going to extra classes brought on by one Albus Dumbledore. Barmy old codger. Let him pick on Neville if he wanted a champion so badly. It would allow Harry to stay in the shadows (pun intended). It would also allow him to have a life outside of manipulation-central.
As for Voldemort… he'd get his. No uncertainty about it. He'd get his one way or another.
"Gallandro, Edward!"
"Hufflepuff!"
"Goyle, Gregory!"
"Slytherin!"
"Granger, Hermione!"
Hermione stood up with wide eyes and walked forward as confidently as she could. McGonagall put the hat on her head. It was on her bushy hair for at least a minute before blurting out: "Gryffindor!"
The Gryffindor table immediately cheered as she went to sit down next to another first year girl, Lavender Brown.
It was taking anywhere from 1-2 minutes per student to be sorted, which included walking time from the back of the hall to the stool, then the personality profile test, to them walking to the table/house they were assigned to. Harry knew people were hungry but the excitement of the sorting was a fun interlude in what would more than likely be an otherwise (hopefully) dull school year.
As the sorting continued, Harry noticed that Dumbledore's attention was more on Neville than anyone else. All the more reason to hide in the background. Harry mentally shook his head: if only Dumbledore could see how his weapon worked now - he'd probably start looking around for something else to augment it. Harry's thoughts were pulled back to reality when Neville's name was called.
"Longbottom, Neville!" McGonagall shouted. Immediately everyone began whispering.
"That runt defeated you-know-who?" said a voice that Harry didn't recognize.
"He's not a bad looking kid, in a sort of pudgy looking way," said a girl near the back of the Great Hall.
Harry visibly shook his head at the comments (of which there were even more of the same vein). Is this what happened to him only he never heard it? he thought. Probably.
Neville Longbottom wore a smirk on his face as he strutted up to the stool like he owned the school. Harry caught Hermione's eye and the two of them rolled their eyes at the same time, grinning.
Neville Longbottom wore a smirk on his face as he strutted up to the stool like he owned the school. Harry caught Hermione's eye and the two of them rolled their eyes at the same time, grinning.
On went the hat. With any luck, Harry knew, he'd be placed in Slytherin for his parseltongue ability. Yeah, like that would happen. Dumbledore would probably have him removed within a day and placed in another house. Harry could see Neville was having a mental conversation with the hat. Dumbledore's eyes lost their twinkle as he probably realized where the hat was trying to coerce Neville into going. Or maybe not so much as coercion as a gentle reminder that his attitude was Slytherin and he was a grade-A jerk.
Moments later the hat shouted, "Gryffindor!" The twinkle went back into place as Neville took the hat off and made his way to the Gryffindor table. He sat across from Hermione.
Other names, other houses. Some he recognized, some he didn't.
Finally, it was his turn. "Potter, Harry!" shouted McGonagall.
Harry made the long walk up to the stool. Hermione turned in her seat and smiled encouragingly. He smiled back but was nervous nonetheless. After all, where the heck would he end up this time? It was an alternate dimension after all.
Harry sat and the hat was immediately lowered on his head. There it sat for about half a minute before finally speaking out loud so that everyone could hear: "Dude, you have got to lower your occulmency shields." Bloody hell. His shields had been second nature for better than a year and he'd not forgotten that he had them in place, but he had forgotten to lower them when he sat down.
Immediately whispering and speculation started. Mostly from the Ravenclaw table where knowledge was king, but a few others at different tables also joined in with their counterparts.
Great. Just peachy. So much for operating in the background in anonymity. Could this day get any better?
Harry ignored the gossiping about his life and lowered his barriers.
Dumbledore was surprised although he didn't show it. Snape, however, looked on with a calculating gaze at a first year knowing occulmency, and the son of his nemesis to boot. Oh, how he hated James. Just wait until he had him in his class - oh, how he'd make him pay. Yes he would.
Yo, hat, Harry mentally spoke.
Wuzzup? came the response. Holy guacamole, you're the oldest first year I've ever sorted. You're 18 for Thimble's sake!
Uh, yeah, about that. Funny thing happened this summer. You know how it is - magic, alternate dimensions, badda bing, badda boom, and Bob's your uncle. Do you mind not putting me in Slytherin?
Sure. You don't belong there any more than you belong in Gryffindor.
Really? Oh. I guess Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw would be okay.
Those houses? You've got to be kidding. You're not suited for them either.
Then what do you suggest?
Well, I'd give you your own house, but I think that's already been done somewhere in the multiverse.
....
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