Kim Dokja didn't know if anyone would answer him, or whether an answer to his question even existed in the first place. After a moment of silence, a gentle hand placed itself on his shoulder.
Looking up, there was only one person it could be. Yoo Sangah smiled at him gently and sighed. "Dokja-ssi, I don't think there's a right or a wrong answer to your question, and you don't have to find it immediately. What matters more is discovering that answer for yourself and deciding what you want going forward."
He looked down at the ground, his breath hitching. "But what if I don't want to think about it?"
"Then don't think about it right now," Yoo Sangah told him. "You're the only one who can decide that you're ready, and while the rest of us would be happy to share our opinions and give what advice we can, what you choose to do is ultimately up to you."
[the constellation 'secretive plotter' is agreeing with the opinion of the incarnation 'yoo sangah'.]
Kim Dokja closed his eyes and nodded, trying to get his mind back under control. Under these circumstances, there was only one thing he could do.
Though the guilt churned in his stomach, Kim Dokja's thoughts defaulted to the well-worn tracks that he knew would guide him back to sanity. I am Yoo Joonghyuk. I am Yoo Joonghyuk. I am Yoo Joonghyuk.
The protagonist he knew wouldn't be bothered by the death of an abuser. He had been lied to, manipulated, and hurt, and yet he had managed to come out stronger in spite of it. If Kim Dokja could only grasp onto that and hold it close enough to his chest that he'd simply absorb the ability to do the same thing, then he would. It felt strange doing this under Yoo Joonghyuk's intense and complicated gaze, especially when the man knew how much Kim Dokja had relied on him over the years, but he had no other choice right now.
[the constellation 'lily blooming in aquarius' is confident that the incarnation 'kim dokja' will find his own way.]
「If I had called an ambulance right away, he might've lived. I was the only one who could save him, and I was the only one who made the choice not to. That's why what I told the child was not a lie.」
Sookyung looks down at her husband's body with sorrow and hatred while she hugs Dokja, slowly caressing the dissociating boy's hair.
「I was the one who killed him.」
Dokja rests his hands against the text on the wall, asking if that was really all it was, his eyes misted with emotion as he feels the same sorrow. It really had been a perfect accident.
… Actually, I knew all along. I thought that might've been what happened, and I thought this was the only explanation for my mother's behaviour.
「I always think about this. Maybe it was all just an excuse. There must've been a better way. I shouldn't have left the child alone.」
[the constellation 'abyssal black flame dragon' is scoffing.]
Kim Dokja felt numb, like all the fight had been completely drained from his body. This was all too much for him to process, and he didn't know if it would even amount to anything. Yes, his mother's motivations on that night might not have been quite what he thought they were, but at the same time, it made him feel worse.
He should have been the one locked up. With his mother taking the fall for him, Kim Dokja couldn't banish the thought that this was just another weight added to her side of the scale, another debt that he owed on top of being born. Maybe the truth was that all those years of silence were just her way of balancing the scales again.
Maybe it really was his fault that she had never spoken to him.
"Sookyung-ssi," Lee Seolhwa said calmly, "it may have been your choice not to call anyone, but you were also likely in shock at the time. I don't believe it's correct to take the blame onto yourself here either."
In an instant, Kim Dokja could feel his mother's defenses rising. "Are you blaming my son for what happened?"
Lee Seolhwa shook her head with a sigh. "No, that isn't what I was saying. While I can't speak as to what the law would say on the matter, I think it's clear to all of us that this was an accident."
[the constellation 'demon-like judge of fire' is nodding in agreement.]
"Ahjussi didn't even make a move to stab him," Lee Jihye muttered. "He just kinda stood there and that guy just fell onto his knife."
Deep down, Kim Dokja knew that his future self's conclusion was correct. It really was a perfect accident. With his mind still scrambled, he couldn't remember if he had ever truly intended to pick up the knife for the purpose of attacking. He remembered the fear and the desperation to survive, but he couldn't recall if the knife was the only thing within his reach that seemed like it could protect him—perhaps even just as a deterrent.
Maybe that was why Yoo Joonghyuk and his sharp blade had always brought such feelings of safety and comfort to mind. Maybe his subconscious had wished that someone else had been there that day to hold the knife in his stead and stand between him and the threats that surrounded him.
Lee Gilyoung sniffled and slumped against his side, drawing Kim Dokja's attention away from his own thoughts and the musing of his future self about his mother's behaviour. "That's still not a good reason."
Maybe it wasn't, but it didn't matter anymore. The past couldn't be changed, even if she recognized that there were better ways to handle the situation.
[the constellation 'founder's mother' is reassuring the incarnation 'lee sookyung' that she did her best under the circumstances.]
Yoo Joonghyuk's eyes narrowed slightly. "Doing your best doesn't make you immune to criticism."
Lee Hyunsung seemed to waver, however. "That's true, Joonghyuk-ssi, but it should still be taken into consideration, I think…"
Kim Dokja smiled sadly and looked down at the ground. Lee Hyunsung truly was too nice.
Amongst Sookyung's words, the image of her telling Dokja to read it 'again' constantly repeats, mixed in with images of her manipulating the evidence to try and make all signs point to her. Through her meddling, Sookyung turns it from an accidental death to a premeditated crime.
Why she suddenly wrote an essay I didn't understand. Why I had to become the son of a murderer.
The book she wrote appears once more before Dokja is shown walking amongst a group of whispering schoolmates.
「As a mother, that was something that I never should have done.」
From Sookyung's point of view, her heavily bruised and scratched hands carefully clean up a toddler-aged Dokja's bangs after she places a hat on his head. As his wide eyes look up at her, the viewpoint changes to show Sookyung crouched in front of him, a loving smile on her face.
「At the end of the day, I'm just a mother who ran away.」
Jung Heewon let out a long, drawn-out sigh as she watched his mother doctor the evidence to draw attention away from Kim Dokja. "Look. I might not like you for everything else you did later, and I really don't think that staging a crime scene was a good idea, but I can at least admit that you did try to do something here."
[a few constellations are feeling conflicted over the actions of the incarnation 'lee sookyung'.]
[the constellation 'prisoner of the golden headband' is feeling uncomfortable.]
"Yeah, that's what I still don't get," Han Sooyoung drawled, casting a suspicious look in his mother's direction, "in what universe was writing that fucking book necessary?"
While Kim Dokja somewhat understood in the most basic of terms—she must have needed to reinforce her narrative somehow, to make sure that everyone had heard of it and wouldn't even think to question whether or not it was the truth—he still had that same question. Why had she decided to write it, especially without telling him or asking first.
If he had known back then that this book would come out about their story, then maybe Kim Dokja could have braced himself for the sudden involuntary step into the spotlight. Maybe he could have informed his school and had them prepare for the inevitable backlash. His relatives were a lost cause, and they would have lashed out even with prior warning—in fact, they may have been even more upset if he had actually known about her plans.
"I needed to provide for my son somehow," his mother said, her voice distant as always. "There aren't many ways to do that from prison."
Of course there weren't, but it's not like the book did anything for him either. He had never even seen the money from it, and all it had ever caused him was pain and hardship.
[the constellation 'queen of the darkest spring' is watching the current events with a sad gaze.]
"You're right," Kim Dokja muttered after her thoughts declared that she shouldn't have done something like that as a mother. "You shouldn't have done that."
As the screen changed to show a brief scene from when he was much younger, Kim Dokja had to look away. It hurt to look back on those times, when things were simpler. Maybe it was just the disappointment for all the potential that had been abandoned over the years. Maybe it was for the innocence that had died far too soon.
[constellations who like children are cooing at the adorableness of a young incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
[the constellation 'queen of the darkest spring' is feeling endeared.]
[the constellation 'demon-like judge of fire' is feeling the urge to pinch the cheeks of the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
At the very least, Shin Yoosung was bouncing in her seat, looking thrilled to see a Kim Dokja younger than she was. It was a strange sight, in his opinion—he had just been another average kid, so it didn't make sense to be so excited. For that matter, he was confused about the constellations being that enthusiastic too.
Yoo Mia, on the other hand, huffed and crossed her arms like she was annoyed. "Ahjussi wasn't even an ugly kid, I guess."
… Did she just think most little kids were ugly, or something?
Regardless, Kim Dokja had to bite his tongue to avoid making another remark. At least his mother knew what she was, even if she had never felt the need to apologize to him for anything she had done. He should be angry—and, quite honestly, he still was—but he was too exhausted and drained to express it right now. The acknowledgement of what had happened was a good first step, but that alone wouldn't change anything about their current situation. Not yet.
No more sentences appear, even though Dokja waits to see if there will be any others. After a moment, he pounds his hands on the wall, yelling that it can't end this way—that he can't let it after hearing her stupid story this way. Continuing to pound on the wall until his fists start to bleed, he screams for his mom to be spit out, even swearing at the wall.
With one final pound, a paper crumples beneath his fist, stained with the blood. The wall licks the blood from his hands—sucking up the blood, memories, and stories within it—but Dokja doesn't cry.
「Kim Dokja was crying. He clenched his bloodied fists. He hit the wall. He hit it again.」
As the words appear on the wall in front of him, spoken in the wall's eerie voice, Dokja goes right back to pounding on the wall. As he does so, the words that continue appearing betray his fear of everything—all his actions and words—becoming a story recorded on the wall. His screams sound muffled as tells the wall to shut up.
Upon seeing the sentences stop appearing on the wall, Lee Hyunsung's shoulders slumped. Maybe he was hoping for more truths to come to light, potentially because he wanted the air between Kim Dokja and his mother to be completely clear. While he appreciated the thought, Kim Dokja wasn't sure that could happen so long as the apocalypse was still ongoing.
"Dokja-ssi," Jung Heewon said with a serious expression, "it won't end that way here, no matter what happens in the future."
He knew that. He already knew all there was to know, and he didn't know if there was even that much more for his mother to say. Despite that, the overall situation still wasn't any better. Even here, he had been forced to learn the truth from a screen on a wall rather than straight from her.
He said nothing, just frowning and looking down at the floor. What could even be said in a situation like this?
[the constellation 'founder's mother' is looking forlornly at the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
After letting out a deep sigh, his mother began to speak. "Dokja-yah, are you not happy that you can have your mother back sooner here?"
… What?
Kim Dokja clenched his hands into fists. "No. No, I'm not."
"And why not? There are no more secrets between us," she continued, and he could feel his palms begin to get slick with sweat.
Why didn't she understand? Shouldn't his feelings be clear already, especially considering that the recording of the future was shown through his eyes?
"I'm not ready to have you back in my life right now, and I might never be ready," Kim Dokja admitted, hoping his voice wouldn't crack. "Do you really think I'd be okay with suddenly forgetting everything that happened and pretending everything is fine, just because you might not have done some of the things I thought you did?"
It was hard to admit this, but it had to be said.
"It doesn't change that you still ignored me and made me think you didn't love me for over ten years. It doesn't change that you wrote the book—even if you thought it was a good thing at the time—because it completely destroyed my life."
[a few constellations are scoffing that the incarnation 'kim dokja' is ungrateful'.]
[some constellations are agreeing with the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
"Just because my future self seems to have found some kind of closure with all this doesn't mean that I have," Kim Dokja managed to force himself to say. "Maybe he was ready to learn the truth, but I wasn't."
Even now, it was hard to believe that it was actually the truth and not just another trick being played on his mind.
After a moment, his mother sighed. "I see."
She said nothing further, and Kim Dokja didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. Her tone was carefully distant, but it wasn't icy or accusatory. Maybe this was a degree of progress, but a single instance wouldn't be enough to prove to him that things would be okay if he let himself be vulnerable.
Regardless, it was hard to watch himself break down on the screen like that, pounding on the wall and pleading for his mother to be returned to him. As the wall licked up the blood on his hand, Lee Jihye visibly shuddered. "Okay, that is so gross, what the heck?"
[the constellation 'abyssal black flame dragon' is wondering why the incarnation 'kim dokja' is such a wimp.]
[a constellation who likes harems is musing that the incarnation 'kim dokja' is more attractive when he cries.]
Yoo Joonghyuk's aura seemed to darken for a moment, but Kim Dokja elected to just ignore the message. He wasn't crying. It didn't matter what the stupid wall was saying, he wasn't crying.
As Kim Dokja began to worry about everything becoming a story recorded on the wall, Han Sooyoung sighed and leaned back to glance at him with a frown. "Even if it did all become a story on that bullshit wall, what could you do about it in the first place, huh?"
… Nothing, probably. Ugh, he hated when she actually had a point.
"Still doesn't mean I have to like it, though," Kim Dokja grumbled, and she just rolled her eyes in response. Maybe this was inevitable, but he couldn't help but wonder why.
「Kim Dokja wanted to know what he should do to break down this wall. Was this the price for having read TWSA? Did reading that novel turn the world of fiction into his reality?」
Just as he hears a page ripping, the wall narrates the same thing. Looking up, Dokja is confused as he sees words on the blank pages behind the ripped ones. As he begins to think, wondering if the strange words are something like graffiti left behind by someone else who read the novel, the wall continues to narrate his every thought.
[(Hey)]
What is that?
Suddenly, two more large rips appear on the wall.
[(Pull yourself together)]
[(This is your skill)]
Who… Who is talking to me right now? Who are you?
[(Don't get eaten by your own skill)]
What…?
[(You idiot! Take your hands off right now!)]
Startled by the message, Dokja notices that his left hand, which had been gripping some of the papers on the wall, has started to get swallowed by it. Horrified, he starts to try and pull his hand back, but it's futile. Then, a new message appears.
[(Deactivate your skill, Kim Dokja)]
"Hyung, it's not your fault!" Lee Gilyoung hurried to reassure him, looking up at him with a determined gaze. "Who cares if it's a price or whatever?"
Yoo Mia nodded and huffed. "Plus, if it's anyone's fault, isn't it the author's fault for writing it in the first place?"
[the constellation 'secretive plotter' is agreeing with the opinion of the incarnation 'yoo mia'.]
[the constellation 'prisoner of the golden headband' is flabbergasted by the strange writing on the wall.]
Upon seeing the strange text, Yoo Sangah gasped. "It's a weird direct message again."
Immediately, Kim Dokja was on high alert. The double brackets were the same too, so did that mean that whoever was behind those words was the same as the strange person who had talked to them before? Unlike his future self, though, his first instinct wasn't that it was someone else who had read the novel.
As he looked at the white wall behind the screen, Kim Dokja had to wonder if this was someone writing from within the wall itself.
"This is kinda creepy," Shin Yoosung muttered as more and more text appeared in small ripped sections of the wall, and he had to agree. Whoever it was had to know that this was his skill, and that it could eat people.
Could this person be Nirvana…?
[the constellation 'queen of the darkest spring' is curious about this strange text.]
[the constellation 'maritime war god' is hoping that the advice is given in good faith.]
As soon as the words told him to take his hands off the wall, Kim Dokja actually flinched as he saw that his hand was in the process of being eaten. No matter how much he pulled on his arm, the wall refused to let him go, and Kim Dokja had to admit that he was partially beginning to panic.
"What the hell!?" Jung Heewon hissed, grimacing. "It's your damn skill, why is it trying to eat you!?"
Suddenly, Kim Dokja froze. "Wait, wouldn't it be good if I do get eaten in the future?"
"What are you saying, Kim Dokja," Yoo Joonghyuk asked him, his voice carefully calm in a way that told Kim Dokja that the man was absolutely furious on the inside. "You are not that stupid."
Looking in any other direction but at Yoo Joonghyuk's unfairly handsome angry face, Kim Dokja began trying to explain himself. "Well, wouldn't it answer the question of what happens when someone gets eaten without putting us in danger in our timeline? Plus, if future-me ends up in a space like this, then wouldn't that tell us immediately if we've already been eaten somehow?"
[the constellation 'scribe of heaven' is thinking that the incarnation 'kim dokja' has a point for once.]
Wow, for once? He had points more often than not, thank you.
"No," Yoo Joonghyuk said firmly, crossing his arms over his unfairly toned chest. "I agree with that last message. Deactivate your skill."
"I mean, I can't promise that my future self will do that…"
Yoo Joonghyuk just narrowed his eyes a bit more, and it was in such a way that he looked almost concerned. On that note, Kim Dokja really had to look back at the screen, good thing it was starting up again! No need to think too deeply about any of that, right? Exactly.
Although he doesn't know who's talking to him, Dokja makes a decision. Gritting his teeth, Dokja yells to deactivate [The Fourth Wall]. Sparks crackle throughout the wall, sending the papers tumbling as the darkness gives way to light. In front of him, a few system messages appear, stating that an unknown error has been temporarily fixed before asking if he wants to see his attributes window.
Dokja's eyes widen as he realizes that [The Fourth Wall] likely prevented him from being able to see his attributes before. As he presses 'yes', he notes that although it protects him from others, it also isolates him from himself at the same time.
Before his attributes window appears, a notification informs Dokja that certain skills and skill levels will be restricted from viewing due to system instability. Not letting it bother him, Dokja finally gets to see his attributes window for the first time.
"Good, you should listen to Master," Lee Jihye said with a proud grin as Kim Dokja attempted to deactivate his skill.
[the constellation 'god of wine and ecstasy' is raising a brow curiously.]
The second the wall started falling away and the error that had been plaguing him this entire time was temporarily fixed, Kim Dokja's jaw dropped. All this time, it really was [The Fourth Wall] that had been preventing him from seeing his attributes window!?
"That settles things, doesn't it?" Lee Seolhwa mused, glancing in his direction. "You were stopped by those messages when you tried to see it earlier, after all."
That was right. Did that confirm once and for all that it was his skill sending those messages, somehow?
"You have to check it, Dokja-ssi!" Lee Hyunsung encouraged him eagerly. "There has to be something on there that it didn't want you to see."
[many constellations are extremely curious to see the attributes window of the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
Kim Dokja was curious too, but there was something he wondered that gave him pause. "It isolates me from myself…?"
Yoo Sangah nodded in understanding. "Honestly, I agree. The Dokja-ssi in the future is far more logical and emotionally closed off. I had wondered a bit whether your skill was interfering with the affection reader rankings as well, especially since your emotions seem muted because of it. You're very different compared to the Dokja-ssi I knew from work."
Ah, was it really so obvious to everyone that something was different? Then again, as he caught her looking at him with a sad frown, Kim Dokja also realized that she was probably also comparing his future self with his current one, who hadn't been able to mentally handle so many things. Right. She probably just needed that last piece to put the puzzle together…
Knowing her, Yoo Sangah had probably avoided saying anything in order to avoid putting him in a difficult position. She was always considerate like that, after all.
[a few constellations are disappointed by the system restrictions.]
At least Jung Heewon could grin widely. "So what if there are still restrictions? It's better than nothing!"
She was right, and Kim Dokja found himself feeling a bit more eager than expected as the window finally appeared in front of him.
[Name: Kim Dokja
Age:28
Constellation Sponsor: None
Modifier: The Ugliest King (Tentative)
Personal Attributes: Eight Lives (Heroic), Scenario…]
Before the attributes window fully loads, however, the screen crashes and a barrage of notifications come pouring in, informing him that constellations and nebulae are approaching his mental barrier. Suddenly, Dokja feels like he may have made a mistake—the constellations may have been waiting for the opportunity to see his information that has finally been revealed to the world.
In reaction to this, [The Fourth Wall] reactivates itself independently from Dokja's will, and the pages rush past him once more to reform the wall standing strong between him and the constellations. Noticing his attributes page starting to spark and disappear faster with every new page added to the wall, Dokja quickly looks at it once more.
[Exclusive Skills: Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint lvl. ?, Bookmark lvl. ?, Character List lvl. ?, The Fourth Wall lvl. ?, ████ lvl. ?, ████████ …
.
.
Overall Evaluation ….██ You are ████…?]
Immediately, Lee Jihye and Han Sooyoung burst out laughing.
"Oh my god, I will actually fucking lose it if your constellation modifier ends up being 'The Ugliest King'!" Han Sooyoung cackled with a massive grin on her face.
Yeah, no. Kim Dokja would actually kill himself if he ended up with that as his permanent modifier.
"Even though ahjussi's attributes window is sorta clear now, his face sure isn't, so it makes sense," Lee Jihye snickered even as Kim Dokja despaired a bit. A bit of blurriness on the screen wasn't a big deal, especially not when they already knew what his real face looked like… right?
Yoo Joonghyuk's frown intensified, and Kim Dokja really hoped that he was displeased with that modifier too. He knew that the protagonist didn't think he was downright ugly or anything, but this was still mortifying.
"This is ridiculous," Yoo Joonghyuk muttered, to Kim Dokja's surprise. "He's the 'King of a Kingless World'."
Oh. Kim Dokja did his best to ignore the way his heart skipped a beat. This wasn't affecting him at all. Anyway, he needed to look at more of his attributes window…
[the constellation 'secretive plotter' is displeased by the barrage of indirect messages.]
Shin Yoosung let out a small noise of irritation. "No! They need to stop getting in the way!"
Shit, he really didn't want to try and deal with the constellations right now. Plus, it was obvious that they'd be curious—the ones in this scenario absolutely were, after all. Despite that, Kim Dokja didn't know if he was grateful or not that [The Fourth Wall] reformed itself to cut him off from the constellations' view, especially because it was now a losing race to try and see the rest of his page.
As he looked at the censored skills, Kim Dokja's eyes widened. Were those potentially some of his bought skills, like [White Star Weapon Aura]? Or did he have other innate skills on his list that he had never discovered?
[the constellation 'master of steel' is confused by the evaluation.]
Kim Dokja was confused too, honestly. He was… what? No matter how much he thought about it, Kim Dokja couldn't be sure of any possibilities for what it was.
As the window shuts down, a group of indirect messages appear from the now-injured constellations who attempted to breach his mental barrier. The last message that Dokja is able to see, however, stands out from the rest.
[The constellation 'Secretive Plotter' is smiling at you.]
"Take that!" Lee Gilyoung shouted gleefully at all the constellations who had been injured by the wall. "That's what you get for trying to spy on hyung!"
Kim Dokja allowed a small smile to slip onto his face and he patted the kid on his head. Those constellations did get what they deserved.
[several constellations are displeased by the current events.]
However, he couldn't help but suck in a sharp breath and look up at the ceiling with barely concealed shock on his face as he saw the final indirect message. The Secretive Plotter had witnessed that as well? How much had he seen?
It wasn't a surprise to Kim Dokja that the Secretive Plotter would be interested in learning more, considering that the constellation was fairly attentive and watched him closely. However, unlike the other constellations, he seemed to be unscathed. Either he hadn't been as nosy and invasive as the others—and was therefore left alone by the wall—or he was powerful enough that a mere skill wasn't able to cause him to have a noticeable reaction to being cast out.
[many constellations are looking suspiciously at the constellation 'secretive plotter'.]
[the constellation 'secretive plotter' is looking at the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]