I was ready. Dripping in salt, victorious, one seed richer, and about 12% more confident in my life decisions than I had any right to be.
"See, Barry?" I said, slapping my damp shirt proudly. "Tactical brining. That's gonna be the next big survival trend. We're gonna write a book."
Barry, still perched on my shoulder like a parrot, gave a skeptical wobble.
But I was feeling good. The Coilroots across the bank recoiled (pun 100% intended) as I stepped forward, their leafy tongues flicking nervously in my direction. One hissed, then slithered away into the underbrush like a scared hose.
"Oh yeah," I said, chest puffed. "Salt seasonin' baby."
And that's exactly when the world betrayed me again.
A low, rumbling ROAR thundered from the left side of the riverbank.
I froze. Barry clung to my head like a living toupee.
The trees trembled. The lilies shivered. My spine attempted to leave my body.
Then it emerged, something big, angry, and entirely made of botanical nightmares. It had a thick, bark-like hide, crimson veined vines pulsing down its sides, and a face that said, "I bench-press trees for fun."
It had horns.
Two of them.
And three eyes. It more like a rhinoceros if only it wasn't that 'leafy'
And it looked very upset.
Appraisal Skill Activated...
Species: Verdisaurus Hornatus
Nickname: "Ramming Root"
Class: Alpha Herbivore (Territorial Carniflorus Subtype)
Description: A massive plant-beast hybrid that sustains itself on high-sugar flora, especially Filter Pod Lilies. Becomes violently aggressive when its food supply is threatened.
Shiv's Note: Oh wow. You pissed off the salad bar's bouncer. I'm not even mad. Just impressed.
"Okay," I whispered, staring at the giant stomping leafy rhinoceros. "I took one pod. One. ONE POD."
The Verdisaurus snorted, and a mist of green spores puffed from its nostrils like dragon breath.
Barry made a terrified squeak.
"WE'RE LEAVING NOW!"
I ran. Not a cool, heroic jog. No, I sprinted like a man who just realized nature hates him personally. Behind me, the creature charged, stomping through trees like they were matchsticks. The ground shook with every step. I could hear it crashing after me, shrieking in high-pitched leafy fury.
"THIS IS WHY I NEVER EAT SALAD!" I screamed, ducking under a hanging root as it snapped just inches from my head. Branches whipped my face. Vines tangled in my legs. Barry was clinging to my shirt with all six of his weird little limbs, vibrating like a nervous chihuahua.
"Note to self: never touch someone else's plant snacks again!"
I zigzagged through the trees, heart pounding, when a huge vine slammed into the ground next to me, leaving a crater where my spleen used to be.
"NO THANK YOU, SIR!"
And then I saw it. Up ahead—an overgrown log spanning a steep ravine. The kind of place where Indiana Jones would absolutely make a dramatic escape.
Barry shrieked and pointed with a little fungal finger.
"I KNOW, BUDDY, I SEE IT!"
We reached the log. I didn't slow down. I couldn't.
Behind me, the Verdisaurus roared again and leaped into a gallop.
"Nope nope nope nope—"
I hit the log. It groaned under my weight. Below, a gaping drop of mossy darkness and something slimy moving down there.
I didn't look down. I ran across but the log cracked.
"JUST A FEW MORE STEPS, STAY WITH ME, LOG!"
Barry screamed.
The Verdisaurus crashed through the trees behind us.
With a final, panicked yell, I launched myself off the edge of the log and rolled onto the other side of the ravine just as the log SNAPPED behind me.
The Verdisaurus stopped at the edge. Roared. Snorted another puff of angry plant spores. Then it stomped off, grumbling like it had just been served lukewarm compost. I lay there on the forest floor, gasping, wheezing, and feeling every bone in my body protest.
Barry flopped next to me.
"We're alive," I panted. "We're alive, Barry."
He slapped my cheek in agreement.
And then Shiv materialized and sat down.
"You continue to be both stupid and lucky. I love it."
I gave a thumbs-up to him and laughed weakly.
"I'm still not giving the pod back."
I had just caught my breath.
Like, just.
Barry and I were lying on the mossy floor, half-dead, slightly sweaty, entirely traumatized, and pretending that gravity and monstrous leaf rhinos didn't exist.
Then the bushes behind us moved.
And then there was a loud explosion and I saw a tree explode.
"Oh, come on!" I screamed as I flopped onto my stomach like a panicked pancake. "HOW?! HOW ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!"
Barry let out a horrified squeal and latched onto my collar like a fungal baby koala as the monster burst through the brush like it owed me money.
Appraisal Update: Verdisaurus Hornatus
Condition: HUNGRY. VERY HUNGRY.
Mental State: Vengeful, mildly insulted by your choice of snacks.
Shiv's Note: Guess who figured out the scenic route? Also: you might wanna run. Again.
The Verdisaurus had taken the long way around the ravine. AND IT WORKED.
Its horns gleamed with morning dew and malice. Its leaf-mane fluttered in the wind like a shampoo commercial for aggressive kale.
I scrambled to my feet.
"Nope. No speeches. Just running."
And I ran.
Again.
Through bushes, vines, and one very angry bird-plant hybrid that tried to peck my knee off. My legs were jelly. My lungs were filing complaints. But somehow—I moved.
Behind me, it moved faster.
Trees bent. Vines snapped. Birds flew away. One lizard just gave me a middle finger and disappeared.
Barry was screaming again. Either in terror or because he liked the breeze.
I leaped over a root. I tripped over the next one.
I slid down a muddy hill, bouncing like a human sack of potatoes, until I hit a soggy log at the bottom. Still alive. Miraculously.
"Barry," I gasped, staring at the sky through leafy branches, "if we survive this... I'm never eating salad again."
Barry made a little thumbs-up with a mushroom cap.
Then I heard cracking...
The trees to my left exploded again and the beast appeared, covered in vines and somehow even angrier than before.
"IT'S A PERSISTENT BALL OF GREENS!!"
I launched myself up and kept running.
Then, my eyes caught it.
A cliff.
With a ledge.
And a patch of what looked like Shimmercap Spores—plants I read about in the journal that produced hallucinogenic pollen that knocked out anything dumb enough to snort it.
I was dumb enough.
And desperate enough.
"Time to go full cartoon logic," I whispered.
With one final push, I grabbed a stick from the ground, scooped up a massive clump of glowing spores, and turned.
The Verdisaurus was just meters away.
I threw the spores at its leafy face like I was pitching in the World Plant Series.
Direct hit. The beast snorted, paused... wobbled...
And then fell out cold on its side and snoring like a drunk hedge.
I stood there panting, sweat dripping, Barry wide-eyed on my shoulder.
Silence.
I collapsed next to a bush and just laughed.
"No more pods. No more rivers. No more leafy tanks trying to eat me. I'm taking a nap."
Barry curled up beside me.
And for the first time in... forever... we actually rested without screaming.
But something told me this jungle wasn't done with me yet.
I was having a dream about spaghetti.
Not just any spaghetti—glorious, steaming, mountain-sized bowls of it. Served on golden plates by a panda in a butler uniform, who looked suspiciously like Shiv with a monocle.
Then—
DING!
"AGH—"
I shot up like someone slapped me with a wet mushroom. Barry yelped and tumbled off my shoulder with a squeaky plop into the moss beside me.
Quest Complete: "Escape the Verdisaurus"
Reward:
• Verdisaurus Seed (???)
• Beast Plant Affinity +1
Shiv's Note: You tamed it. Technically. By knocking it out with fancy flower farts. Still counts.
I blinked.
"Wait. Wait. WHAT?! I own that leafy meat truck now?!"
I looked over to where the Verdisaurus Hornatus had napped earlier.
Gone.
A few deep footprints and a suspiciously flat tree were all that remained. Either it woke up and left peacefully... or something bigger came and ate it like a salad.
I wasn't sure which terrified me more.
Still, in my hand was a new item: a strange, heavy seed with a bark-like outer shell, a few green stripes, and tiny thorns. It pulsed with faint warmth, like it was breathing.
Barry crawled up my arm and stared at the seed.
"Don't look at me like that," I told him. "We are not planting this thing next to the safe house. I like having knees."