A prince, two demons, and a nun walked into a tavern. It sounds like the start of a dad joke, but it's the continuation of our story.
How do you recruit someone in a tavern, you ask? Well, I have no idea either, but when you're in a group as flashy as ours, things just happen.
Let's recap: The Queen is a silver-haired MILF with ample curves—full breasts, wide hips. Mary Jane, the redheaded nun and former courtesan, is the most seductive woman this world has ever seen. Sabrina—here, we must confess the author couldn't remember if he'd described her before and was too lazy to check, so this description is now canon—was a stunning blonde with the aura of a sexy secretary who might kill you at any moment. And me? Modesty aside, according to the Queen herself, I'm the most beautiful man she's ever seen—a charming, baby-faced prince with gorgeous black hair.
We'd barely sat down before the entire tavern's attention was on us. The stage was perfectly set for the classic "thugs hit on the pretty girls in the party" scene. And it did happen… just not how you'd expect.
"Hey, gorgeous, why waste time with these losers? Let me show you what a real woman can offer."
The biggest, burliest woman I'd ever seen gave me the sleaziest pickup line I'd ever received. I'd never seen the Queen so furious.
That day would go down in history as "The Day of the Black Sun." What happened wasn't just an eclipse. It was as if the sun itself began radiating dark energy instead of light.
Storms brewed. Volcanoes erupted. Entire ecosystems collapsed. Hordes of monsters stampeded from the forests.
Deserts froze. Glaciers melted. Rivers dried up. Across the world, everyone felt the dreadful sensation of witnessing Armageddon.
Our salvation came from the unlikeliest source. "Y'all ruinin' my sweetheart's show!" A gigantic bear, dressed like a lumberjack, intervened.
He grabbed the burly woman by the shoulders, tossed her out like a sack of potatoes, and turned back to a tiny, delicate elf tuning her lute.
"There ya go, sweetheart. Y'all can keep singin' now."
"We've found them," the Queen declared.
And just like that, the apocalypse was averted. Everything returned to normal as if nothing had happened.
"Let me tell you a tale..."
"A tale of a cowardly prince."
"A tale of a beautiful Demon Queen."
The elf began to sing. Was this song about me and the Queen? It couldn't be… I'm not a coward.
"Afraid to die in battle, like a true warrior"
"The cowardly prince hatched a plan, sneaky and shrewd."
The Queen was enchanted, her eyes dreamy like the girl I'd met on the battlefield.
"In the dead of night, he crept into the Demon Queen's room—and took her husband's head."
That's not how it happened, kid.
"Lost in grief, the Queen fell prey to the vile prince's schemes."
"Now she lives in sorrow, wed to a prince who's… lacking, it seems."
Lies! Damned lies! Where are my lawyers?! I'm suing this hellspawn elf! None of this makes sense!
"Bravo! Bravo!" The Queen and Sabrina—traitors—clapped enthusiastically for the elf's slanderous performance.
"I didn't know you went so far just to marry me, my prince," the Queen said, touched.
"Wait, you were there! You know the truth! You know that elf is full of lies!" I protested.
"Yeah, but the lie's way more interesting than reality," Sabrina shrugged.
Before I could argue further, the Queen moved on, approaching the strangest duo I'd ever seen.
"That's it. No more searching. You two are our party's final members," she announced.
"Big guy, you're our barbarian. And you, little one, are our bard," the Queen declared.
We found them just like that? How convenient. Almost like the author couldn't be bothered to write a more complex plot.
They looked confused, so Sabrina stepped in:
"Her Majesty grants you the honor of joining our party, which shall embark on a glorious quest to find the legendary secret chamber deep within the castle's dungeon. Would you dare refuse?"
The lumberjack bear seemed to grasp the danger of saying no. The elf, however, was oblivious.
"Dungeon acoustics are terrible for my lute," the elf complained.
"Adventurin' in dungeons can be mighty dangerous, eh, sweetheart?" the bear added.
"Yeah, you're right… Wait, why are we talking about dungeons again?" the elf replied, distracted.
"Join our party, and I'll tell you all the prince's dirtiest secrets," the Queen bargained.
Wait, what?! If this elf already lies through her teeth, imagine what she'll do with actual gossip!
"When do we start? I'm Sylph, by the way. Pleasure!" the elf agreed instantly.
A fitting name for someone with air for brains.
"I go where my sweetheart goes. Y'all can call me Ted," the bear said.
Sylph and Ted. The elf and the bear. The author really phoned it in today.
And so, the party destined to change the world's fate was formed—well, maybe not that dramatic, but we've got to keep things epic, right?