After catching my shiny golden fish, I did the most logical thing a new trainer with deep emotional maturity would do—I walked to the nearest pond for a heart-to-heart therapy session with my suicidal carp.
Because apparently, that's my life now.
The sun was shining, the grass was green, and I was about to deliver a motivational speech to a fish. After a few minutes of walking through generic RPG forest terrain, I found a decent pond that didn't look like it had any Gyarados hiding in it. Safety first.
I released Magikarp.With a lazy splash, she flopped into the pond and floated like a soggy potato chip. Her face was the very definition of "I give up."
I stared at her.
She stared at nothing.
Was she...meditating? Or clinically depressed?
I pulled out my Pokédex, hoping for something useful. Maybe stats. Maybe nature. What I got instead felt like a therapy session transcript:
Magikarp (Water) — Female
Level 20
Ability: Rattled
Mood: Depressed. Wants to drown itself in a volcano. Victim of lifelong bullying due to being shiny and weak. Has rejected evolution due to emotional trauma. May require professional counseling or snacks.
Excuse me, what the fuck?
Is this normal? Are Pokédex entries always this detailed? Did I accidentally download Pokémon Therapist Simulator 3000?
And wait—wants to drown in a volcano? How does a fish even know what a volcano is? Is there a Magikarp Wikipedia somewhere?
Also… "she"? I thought she was a he. This is why I don't assume genders. Thankfully, no pink-haired moral police jumped out of the bushes to cancel me.
Anyway. Time to fix a fish.
I crouched down near the pond and put on my best "inspirational gym coach who yells at overweight people on TV" face. I cleared my throat and addressed the fish.
"Hey. Look, I get it. Life sucks. People suck. You look different, and everyone made fun of you for it. But you know what? They're just background NPCs. You're the main character now."
Magikarp blinked.
"Yeah, I said it. You're shiny. You're rare. That's not a curse, that's a flex. You're built different. Sure, you're kind of useless right now, but have you seen what you become? You turn into a giant red murder snake that spits hurricanes."
Still no response, just floating depression fish.
I softened my tone a little. "Look buddy, I know it's hard. But I'm your trainer now. That means we're a team. I'm not gonna abandon you like a low-effort Ash Ketchum after a movie cameo. You're staying with me, and we're gonna evolve you the old-fashioned way. With love, training, and maybe a few hyper beams to the face of whoever bullied you."
Her dead fish eyes twitched slightly. Progress?
I reached out and patted her scaly head gently. She flinched like I'd just tried to rob her wallet, but I kept my hand there.
"There, there. You're safe now. I'm not letting anything bad happen to you again."
She blinked. Slowly. Tears started to well up in her giant dopey fish eyes. Then, slowly and hesitantly, she nudged her forehead against my hand.
Honestly, it was kind of adorable. And sad. And now I felt even more responsible.
"Good girl," I whispered. "We're gonna fix your self-esteem issues one splash at a time."
And then, because the universe is apparently run by Twitch chat logic, she started glowing.
Like, full-on, anime-style evolution glowing. I had to squint and back away as her entire body was enveloped in white light.
I was excited at first. "Wait—is this happening? Did I just emotional support-evolve a Magikarp?"
Then I remembered I was sitting two feet from her and she was rapidly growing. And I don't know if you've ever seen a Magikarp evolve, but it's not a gentle process. It's more like your goldfish suddenly turning into a red Godzilla.
"Wait, wait, wait! Time out!" I backed up and tripped over a rock. "Can I get a five-second head start?!"
Too late.
The light faded. And there she stood in all her glory.
A gigantic, serpentine red monster stared down at me with glowing eyes and a body thick enough to make Kim Kardashian jealous. People nearby screamed and ran for cover. A flock of Pidgey took off in terror. Somewhere, a random Rattata spontaneously fainted.
And I… just stood there.
"Holy crap," I muttered. "I really did it. That motivational speech actually worked. I evolved a depressed fish with therapy and hugs."
Gyarados let out a thunderous roar. The pond rippled, trees shook, and my soul temporarily left my body.
She lowered her massive head toward me. I braced myself. I expected to get eaten, smacked, or turned into a Team Rocket logo in the sky.
Instead, she gently wrapped around me like a scaly cinnamon roll and nuzzled her massive face into my chest.
It made a soft purring noise. A Gyarados. Purring.
I blinked twice. Then I let out a helpless laugh and patted her head. "Well. That was fast. Who's Daddy's little apocalypse noodle?Yes, You are! Yes, you are! "
She growled contentedly, like a car engine running on hugs.
I took a second to process the situation.
Let's break this down:
Caught a depressed Magikarp.
Gave her a pep talk.
She cried.
Evolved.
Turned into the happiest kaiju ever.
Now considers me her emotional support human.
I checked my Pokédex again, because I needed confirmation I wasn't hallucinating from stress.
Gyarados (Water/Flying) — Female
Level 21
Ability: Moxie
Mood: Emotionally healed. Slightly over-attached. May destroy cities if left unsupervised.
Warning: Will attack anyone who insults her trainer. Do not bring up past trauma. Do not mention sushi.
Yup. Sounds about right.
I glanced around. The bystanders had either run away or were hiding in the bushes pretending not to exist. The wildlife had all packed their bags and left town. I now owned a monster with the emotional range of a teen drama protagonist and the firepower of a legendary.
Life goals? Achieved.
I turned back to Gyarados and sighed. "Okay, look. We need to set some ground rules."
She tilted her head.
"One, no destroying towns unless I say so. Two, don't eat any of my other Pokémon. Three, if you feel sad, you come to me and we talk it out. No evolving into an even bigger dragon unless I'm mentally prepared, okay?"
She roared softly, which I took as agreement.
I took a step back, trying to figure out how I was supposed to store her back in the Pokéball now. She was big. Like, reallybig. Did Pokéballs even work when the Pokémon didn't want to leave?
"Return," I said, holding out the ball.
She looked at me, then snorted like she was offended. I tried again.
"Please?"
She blinked, then reluctantly turned into red light and went inside the ball.
Thank Arceus.
I sat down on the grass, exhausted. My life had officially turned into a bizarre mix of Pokémon, therapy sessions, and emotional damage repair. If this was the tutorial arc, I was going to need anti-anxiety potions for the rest of the game.
Then it hit me. I just evolved a shiny Magikarp without battling once.
No grinding. No EXP farming. No Rare Candy cheating.
Just... words.
Take that, game mechanics.
I chuckled, then laid back on the grass, arms behind my head.
This world might be nuts, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.
Trainer Ed: 1
Mental health crisis fish: 0 (evolved)
Unrealistic evolution logic: Who cares?
Next stop: therapy for my other Pokémon.
I heard Sirens in the distance. Well, that's Not a good sign. That either meant someone just committed a crime… or more likely, I did something that technically counts as "public endangerment.
Not that I meant to. Releasing a giant shiny Gyarados in the middle of a city park wasn't exactly the most subtle move, sure, but it's not like he ate anyone. This time.
Atleast I'm white, I'd be on my knees with hands behind my back otherwise.
Anyway, I knew what was coming next.
Cue the arrival of Officer Jenny. Which means I'm going to get an earful from a cute police chick. I swear I don't have a fetish for getting scolded.
Yet my feet refused to move for some reason. Huh, weird coincidence.
She rolled up on a sleek-looking police bike, Growlithe at her side like some furry little bodyguard. She got off, looked around at the chaos—trampled trees, three fainted Machokes, and one traumatized hotdog vendor—and zeroed in on me like a heat-seeking missile.
"Are you the trainer responsible for this?"
I flashed my best charming smile. "Depends. If I say yes, do I get scolded by you personally?"
She squinted. "That is not how this works."
"Look, if I'm going to be chewed out, I prefer it be by someone cute."
She blinked. For a second, I thought she was going to tase me. Instead, she flushed pink.
"Y-You shouldn't be flirting while being reprimanded!"
"Oh, so I am being scolded. Good. I was worried you'd skip that part."
She blushed and stammered, " Hey, that's not what you should be taking from this."
I stepped closer and activated my underage rizz: "Maybe I should be taking you away."
Poor girl didn't stand a chance.
I whispered slowly, " Are you a Donut? Cz I sure want to put some frosting on you to lick it all over.
She squirmed and stammered but I guess even sexual harrassment becomes rizz when you got good looks.
I took a step closer, dropped my voice an octave, and activated what I call my "teenager-with-zero-shame" mode.
"How about this—we get some dinner after I destroy the gym leader in town. You can yell at me then. Real slow-like. Bring the handcuffs too maybe? We'll see where it goes"
Her face went full tomato mode. I'm talking pressure cooker levels of steam. She opened her mouth, tried to form a sentence, then gave up. She took out a notebook and wrote something , then hurriedly shoved it in my hand before getting on her bike while stealing a glance at my direction.
I chuckled and thought to myself, "Heh, I'm the monarch of Rizz."
Growlithe, being the real MVP, gave me a nod of respect: "You're the man, bruh."
I gave it a nod in return.
Game recognizes game.
***
Once I was done turning a law enforcement officer into a flustered mess, I figured it was time to do something productive. Namely: prepare for the gym battle.
The plan was to use Dreepy and Gyarados. A terrifying dragon noodle and a floating ghost-lizard with commitment issues. Dreepy needs some leveling up. Should be fun.
I headed out of town, looking for a place to train. A nice open field. Maybe a lake. Somewhere that wouldn't involve insurance claims if things exploded.
That's when I spotted him.
A Team Rocket grunt, just casually chilling on a rock with his Ekans, sipping a soda like it was his day off. He saw me and froze.
Then he saw Gyarados.
Gyarados narrowed her eyes. One flash of "I've eaten people before and I'll do it again" and the grunt's spine straightened like he just got promoted.
"G-Good day, sir! Can I help you with anything today?"
I smiled. "Yeah, actually. Know where I can get a gun?"
He dropped his soda.
"I… what? Why?"
"You heard me. Gun. Firearm. Bang-bang. For self-defense."
His face went pale. "Uh… those are restricted. Only League security and police are allowed to carry. Why do you want one?"
"Have you been on Route 12?" I asked. "Raticates are built like linebackers. I'm not taking chances."
He blinked. "But… you're a Pokémon trainer."
"And?"
"You have a Gyarados."
"Yeah, but she's moody. Sometimes she listens. Sometimes she floods the place just because a Caterpie looked at her funny. A gun's reliable."
The grunt's soul was clearly considering retirement.
He coughed awkwardly. "I mean, some of the higher up Rocket guys up near Mt. Moon might have that… stuff. Not official. I'm not saying anything. Just… you didn't hear it from me."
"Appreciate it." I patted him on the shoulder. "By the way, you ever consider leaving Team Rocket? You're way too polite. You'd make a killer barista."
He smiled nervously. I walked off.
Behind me, I could feel his thoughts screaming: "And you should join us! You're more terrifying than our boss!"
Anyway.
After a nice little hike that included scaring off three bug catchers and accidentally triggering a flock of Zubats, I reached the outskirts of Mt. Moon. That's where I found them—an entire Rocket squad trying to hold a campfire meeting or something.
I politely asked for a gun and they happily gave it along with some cash.
*** Flashback*
One stomp from Gyarados and half the squad ran.
The other half tried to fight. Cute.
Ten minutes later, I was sitting on a rock, sipping one of their juice boxes, while the squad leader handed me a small pistol and sobbed.
"Just… just take it and leave us alone, man."
"Thanks. You might want to work on your security training. Or invest in earplugs next time Gyarados screams."
He nodded like a bobblehead and ran after his team.
I looked at the gun.
Definitely real. Slightly used. Maybe had a few evil fingerprints on it, but it worked. Neat.
I spun it around like I was in an old western.
"Guns aren't the problem," I muttered. "The problem is not having one when Beedrills show up."
With that sorted, I made my way to a nearby lake—perfect training ground. Calm, quiet, and far enough from town that Officer Jenny wouldn't appear with backup and a restraining order.
I released Gyarados into the lake. She let out a roar, then dove in like she was on a mission to bully every wild Magikarp in the vicinity.
"Go nuts," I said. "Just don't eat anything endangered."
Then I turned to Dreepy.
Now, Dreepy's an odd one. He floats around with the personality of a confused balloon, but the moveset of a chaos gremlin.
Let's review:
Dragon Tail: For smacking people back into their Pokéballs when he's bored.
Confuse Ray: For trolling.
Curse: For edgy moods.
Disable: For ruining someone's day.
Sucker Punch: For cheap shots.
Basically, he's built for chaos. I respect that.
"Alright, little guy," I said. "Time to level up. I want you fast, mean, and annoying. Like a flying mosquito, but with ghost powers."
Dreepy stared blankly, then slowly floated in circles like he forgot what gravity was.
"Close enough."
We spent the next hour practicing combos. Confuse Ray into Sucker Punch. Curse into Disable. Dragon Tail for dramatic flair.
Meanwhile, in the background, Gyarados was having the time of her life traumatizing the local ecosystem. A couple of wild Goldeens tried to challenge her. Bad idea. One got launched into the air. The other played dead and floated away.
Eventually, I called them both back. Dreepy was slightly twitchy. Gyarados looked satisfied and slightly bloodthirsty.
"Good work, team," I said. "Tomorrow, we take on the gym. Today, we don't get arrested. Let's try to keep it that way."
Gyarados snorted. Dreepy phased into my hoodie like a haunted scarf.
And me? I holstered the gun, adjusted my bag, and whistled as we headed back toward town.
Because in this world of monsters, chaos, and overdramatic gym leaders, sometimes you just need a gun, a dragon, and a solid pickup line.