Lin Feng crouched in the shadow of a lunar crater at 22.3°N latitude, his skewered meat sizzling in zero gravity, droplets of oil floating around him like a miniature asteroid belt. Lord Orange perched atop his transparent oxygen helmet, gnawing on an alien eggplant with its glowing fish tail leaving eerie green trails in the vacuum.
"Where is Our royal chef?" The cat tapped its paw impatiently against the helmet. "We were promised an imperial feast! This eggplant tastes like Titan's methane lakes!"
"Your Highness, you're eating alien eggplants and still complaining?" Lin Feng kicked aside an antimatter fuel canister, sending it clanging against the wreckage of Apollo 11's lunar module. "This piece-of-junk ship doesn't even have a microwave! Have you ever seen lamb kidneys grilled with gamma rays?!"
He raised the quantum telescope looted from Wu Li's warship. Earth's orbit was filled with Grey Sparrow's death fleet—three thousand ships arranged into a massive QR code that scanned to: [Surrender now, get half off your tombstone—free shipping!] Suddenly, a rice-cooker-shaped vessel landed in the neighboring Tycho crater, its hatch hissing out Sichuan hotpot-scented steam.
"Human!" A tentacled alien with neon-lit limbs bellowed in Chongqing dialect. "Your barbecue lacks cumin! An insult to the Galactic Grillmasters Association!" It tossed a glowing spice pouch. "Quantum cumin from Betelgeuse—roasted in a supernova!"
As Lin Feng caught the pouch, he glimpsed a Grey Sparrow tattoo flashing on one tentacle.
"Darling, I've been studying astronomy!" He brandished a skewer like a lightsaber, oil droplets exploding into golden fireworks. "Do you know how you're different from the stars? Stars are in the sky, but you're in my heart!"
The Grey Sparrow flagship's shield cracked like spiderwebbed glass. Su Wan's hologram emerged from the fissure, her mechanical eye glowing red. "Ungrateful child! Your father's coffin can't even contain his rage now!"
"Mom! You nailed that coffin shut yourself!" Lin Feng sprinkled more quantum cumin. "Try this alien spice—it's spicier than your maternal love!"
Lord Orange activated a stolen megaphone with its tail: "Keep it up! We'll gift you a black hole-level rocket!"
Lin Feng took a deep breath and pulled out an ancient bronze trumpet (looted from the lab skeleton): "Darling, I went farming today! Know what I planted? My undying devotion for you!"
The fleet formation twisted violently. Three destroyers collided and exploded into pink heart-shaped fireworks. Wu Li's mechanical voice echoed from the wreckage: "High levels of simp-energy detected... Activating countermeasures!"
A barrage of pink missiles labeled [Love-Struck Virus Warheads] launched from the armada. Lord Orange's tail quantum-shifted into a three-kilometer-wide glowing shield. "Careful! Get hit and you'll turn into a lovesick fool—the kind who spams 'good morning' texts!"
"Then stop shooting heart beams at them!" Lin Feng yelled as he dodged. The cat's tail was firing heart-shaped projectiles, each with voice modulations: "Big bro~ Sink me, please~"
During their escape, their ship got caught in Sagittarius A*'s gravitational lens. Crossing the event horizon, Lin Feng's jaw hit the console—Lin Jianguo, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, was breakdancing on the accretion disk to "The Hottest Ethnic Wind," his orthopedic shoes perfectly synced to gravitational waves. Even Hawking radiation pulsed like DJ beats.
"Dad! Your grave's weeds could feed the galactic fleet by now!" Lin Feng barely avoided a spacetime eddy.
"Son!" Lin Jianguo sidestepped a singularity. "I faked drinking Golden Ear and 'died'—but really, your mom blasted me into this black hole with a planet-cracker cannon!" He pulled out five-dimensional star charts from his shirt. "Proof of Grey Sparrow's crimes across 137 parallel universes!"
Lord Orange's fur stood on end: "Watch out—10 o'clock!"
Su Wan's mech-arm breached dimensional barriers, nanotech tendrils lunging for the charts. Lin Jianguo shoved them into the cat's quantum tail: "Take them to Meow Star! Password: 'The Chonkier, The Mightier'!"
Deep in the black hole, "Little Apple" started playing as countless quantum clones of Lin Jianguo began a synchronized square dance. Su Wan's mechanical eye glitched for the first time: "Lin! We divorced 30,000 years ago! Stop haunting me!"
Upon landing on Meow Star's capital, Lin Feng finally understood Lord Orange's temper—the sky had catnip clouds, rivers flowed with milk, and the atmosphere was shaped like laser pointers. Outside the palace, 500 tuxedoed Siamese cats knelt in unison, their tails forming a red-carpet roll.
"Hail Your Majesty!" A one-eyed Persian officiant announced. "But per Meow Star Constitution Article 250, coronation requires passing the 'Butt Inspection Trial'—"
Lord Orange's tail puffed up like a dandelion: "Touch Our royal rear, and We'll neuter the lot of you!"
Alarms blared as Grey Sparrow breached the atmosphere. Wu Li's voice boomed planet-wide: "Hand over the star charts, or we'll turn this planet into the universe's biggest litter box!"
Lord Orange leapt onto the quantum throne, tail plugging into a crystal console: "Activate the 'Thicc Orange Supremacy' defense protocol!"
The entire planet began transforming—continents reshaped into a giant paw that swatted 30 warships like flies. Oceans rose into a gargantuan tongue, batting enemy vessels around like yarn balls. Lin Feng gaped: "You call this a defense system? This is a doomsday weapon!"
At the Galactic Supreme Court's ring-shaped tribunal, Lin Feng stood in the defendant's booth waving a half-eaten skewer: "Your Honor! I accuse Grey Sparrow of illegal 'simp-virus' additives! This stuff's scarier than the Trisolarans' dimensional strikes!"
Su Wan's mech-arm smashed the plaintiff's desk: *"Objection! Our products are ISO-9001 certified across all universes!"* Her titanium skull projected a holographic certificate stamped with the tentacle-print of the octopus alien.
Lord Orange quantum-teleported onto the judge's bench, slamming its tail like a gavel: *"We decree—Grey Sparrow shall clean litter boxes galaxy-wide for 10,000 years! Thrice daily—with solid gold shovels!"*
The octopus alien waved glowing tentacles: "Seconded! But season my grilled squid first!"
Lin Yu threw cloned DNA reports from the witness stand: "See, Judge? These fakes don't even have my signature foot odor!" The moment the sealed bag burst, the courtroom fell to biochemical warfare. The jury vomited in unison while Lin Jianguo's quantum sent congratulations from the black hole: "That's my girl! More lethal than Dad's black-hole-farting days!"
Wu Li's mechanical head suddenly blue-screened: "Irreversible shame levels detected... Self-destruct initiated!" Her final scream before exploding: "Next life—I'm becoming a cat!"
As the smoke cleared, Lord Orange licked its paw atop the courthouse ruins: "Court adjourned! We have new litter-box colonies to inspect."
Lin Feng gazed at uncharted territories on the star charts, the bronze key in his pocket burning hot—their next adventure had only just begun.